I been a seek since I’s about 14 years old, maybe even as early as 10. It caused me to talk to myself asking questions to the sky, wondering where the fuck do I fit in. I always heard about how we are all one, that everything in the universe is connected. Well I don’t often get that but even when I do, it seems like something no so important to my immediate place in time. A nice thought, but it doesn’t really do much for my day to day life.
As a seek these kind of questions and realizations would seem important, so I thought and I wondered if I was misplaced in my employment as a seek. But oddly, my feelings of inadequacy regarding this pushed me even further into seekhood. It made me talk more to myself, ask even more questions and as that effort always wound up a net zero I began to wonder if I should just give it up. Of course I never have, it seems that this condition is built in to my psyche, so I had to abandoned the idea of abandoning my need to seek. Oh well.
Eventually my continued seeking lead me to Indian ways, particularly the Hopi. Yeah that was a good thing, finally, and it seemed to answer a lot of my seeking questions, though I couldn’t tell you exactly what the answers were. Suffice it to say I “found” something there that I had never found before in all my seeking. However, the seeking has continued, on and on. Yet, after that great and nourishing Hopi nectar the seeking slowed way down as I had a ground to land on from time to time by thinking “Hopi”. Yeah that’s good cuz I still got that gift with me today.
Still, questions are a plenty, seeking is with me everyday at least for a minute, though usually much more. The difference now is I don’t take nearly as serious as I once did. I removed the wondering and replaced it with the notion of work. That is work to become as distant from modern life as I can be by living in poverty. So that’s helped, but I still get to feeling inadequate as a seek, like I’m just a wanna-be, but it don’t bug me so much as it used to, that’s good.
So I’ve kept trudging along the seek path, proud to be there, fighting the good fight against industrialization, all that. And for the past year as I’ve trudged an idea, or more a construct has been forming in my mind. It kinda comes out of nowhere and catches me by surprise, like that’s the way it’s supposed to happen, from wherever or whoever it’s coming from. It says to me, “sit there like a rock, and be where you are on your land, being its steward and caretaker; make it a walk in beauty and be one rock sitting among it.” Yeah, something like that. It does feel good, it feels solid, though it is elusive. And I don’t mind the elusive thing, which also seems like it’s supposed to be that way.
See as a seek, I been a nervous Nelly, in some kinda hurry to connect and be in the breath of nature or some god damn thing I don’t know what, it’s nuts. I don’t necessarily regret that and I’d like to resolve it, but I never would run from it and become an accountant or salesman…whatever, oh no, my god that’d be hell. Don’t get me wrong, it ain’t like I never get the connect I’m looking for, in fact, it is the many wondrous and enlightening experiences I’ve had as a seek that keeps me on its path. My dilemma has been that I seemed to want to stayed connected 24 hours a day, thus the nervous Nelly.
So back to this recent awakening to be a sitting rock on my land, I am growing more in this as time is going by. The truth is I’ve always known about this sitting rock thing, it has been part of my enlightenment as a seek. In fact, most all of my connects have started this way. Do you understand what I am saying when I say “connects”? Cuz see, that’s the whole meaning of being a seek, as least for me it is. I seek to connect. With what is always up for grabs but 9 times out of 10 it is with nature, no, 10 out of 10 really. It’s always that. Though “nature” in this case comes in many forms. Most of the time I call it spirits, I’m looking to connect with spirits. It’s a nectar thing.
Being this sitting rock is quite obvious as to what that means, it means meditating, being quiet and listening. It means shut the fuck up and listen. What’s new to me in this experience is I am finding what I am listening to does not result in learning, in direction, in commandments or “my next step” kinda shit. No, it’s just listening, connecting with how the earth feels, what state of mind she’s in, and all that is happening is I get to enjoy that, or sometimes cry over it cuz she’s not always happy, she is mortal you know. She’s just another person to get to know. She’ll die someday just like the rest of life does. Her sun will blow up and she’ll go with it.
So nothing new under the sun in my seek world really, I just gotta shut the fuck up and listen, that’s all.