Mr. Right’s Emotional Disorder


July 2012

In this chapter I am Mr. Right.  Yeah that’s right—I’m right.  I am right about everything in this book…well, quite a bit of it anyway.  Let me put it this way; I believe with all my heart everything I’ve written in this book.  Given that, it means I try my best to live out what I say here and though I wish my best was better,  I still know that I’ve given it my all.  You’d think that because of my great effort to do good that I’d be someone who feels good about themselves therefore giving them a fair shot a having emotional stability.  Wrong. I’m about as fucked up as Hogan’s goat.

I do have “some” good feelings about myself for what I am doing in my life, in fact, I am quite proud of it. But those feelings don’t override all the other instabilities that seeking this way of life entails. So, before you go off on your high horse to save the world like me, you’d better give it many thoughts because you will be in for one hell of an emotional ride and I am sorry to say most of those emotions won’t be very happy.

Within the confines of our present societal norms I will tell you that trying to get away from the system, trying to shout the coming peril to your fellow human beings, and trying to think in a way that is completely the opposite of those around you is exactly the wrong way to find emotional security. You will be banished and it is quite possible no one will even know it, but you will know it because you will be the one who has banished yourself from life as it is and as you grow deeper into this quest you will realize what you have done and man o man does that one hurt, but you get used to it.

Its common sense really, anytime a person runs against the grains of society you are going to be an outcast, you will rub people the wrong way, people will rub you the wrong way and in the end you will find that quite literally you have put yourself in mental and emotional exile.  It doesn’t matter if the society in question is good or bad; it is the mainstream that dictates what happiness is. If you live in a society that believes murder is a good thing, then if you are not murdering then you are going to be considered mal-adjusted and you will become emotionally and mentally crippled by it. If you are murdering then you’ll have friends and emotional security because you will be normal.

Believe me, leaving the system is a very rough road and the irony is though I wish this road for everybody, I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. In the end it becomes none other than a life of loneliness and isolation; not good conditions for a happy life. Oh yeah it’s true; what I am saying is you actually find your self coming to a rather hideous state of poor health.

There is no way around it, you can’t take on becoming a reject of society and keep an emotionally healthy state of being. You want friends don’t you? Well, if you do this thing you will see friends quietly pass you by. And perhaps now I’ve convinced you that the free enterprise system of economics is a bit of a devil and if you believe that then you may find yourself hating your job even though you may have loved it before.  This is because you will be making money and you will see that when you are making money you are supporting the very system you just turned against. But you need money because you gotta eat and then it gets even crazier when that kicks in because it becomes this insane loop of wanting to not participate in this system but having to, it’s a bitch.  The only exception to this is when you have money enough to buy your way out of the system (see Article 2, Appendix 1, Dreams and Debt—A Dichotomy). However, I know that the majority of the folks who will take this on don’t have much money. People with money tend to stay that way…go figure.

A quick admission: If I would have had money before I got into this in 1995 I most likely would not be writing this right now, instead, I’d be spending my money.  I could perhaps say that the only reason I ever got into this is because I failed within the system to become financially sound (not even close) which left me open to something other than what the system offered and it so happened I had the mind to recognize that and began looking for that something. But was I looking because I was some sort of special guy who cared so much about his fellow human beings he was willing to take a cultural dive into never, never land? No. Actually, I am very selfish and I have no natural tendency towards being anything like the Good Samaritan.

So what made me take the final leap?  One word: knowledge.  There is no other reason really. Being a failure was what opened my mind.  But since I didn’t have the character traits that make for a giving man, there wasn’t much impetus to forgo a life of comfort.  The impetus came out of knowledge. I simply knew too much to turn away, get it?  It’s like this: If you worked in a factory that made lethal injection equipment, then how would you feel about your job if your son were on death row? With that knowledge could you forgo your love for your son and do your job, even though it could be that the machine you are making could be the one that kills him? Well get this, when you get a head full of the truth about what the hell we’ve been doing the last 300 years and why, then you really don’t have much choice but to run like hell as far away from what’s happening as you can.  Because see, unless the dad making the kill machine has no heart at all, he will have to quit his job.

As it goes, god damn it, I am still working ‘for money’ and it fucks me up.  I think many times to just quit and walk into the desert or something. I literally get ill behind this scenario and I am continuously an emotional wreck.  I only work just enough to live, about $150 a week, sometimes less.  I have subjected myself to deep poverty in order to do this thing and I wish to hell I could say I am happy about that but I’m not, I want some fucking money.  Of course I want it for the right reason now, which is to invest in a subsistence farm so that from there forward I would not need much money at all and could rejoice in that fact. Thankfully, I no longer want money for money’s sake, at least that feels good and I have emotionally adjusted to it.

But that’s about all I’ve adjusted to. Otherwise, I am nearly clinically depressed, I suffer physical symptoms as well, I have no social life, without friends I continually feel as though I am no one in this world, I am not in the success game and even though I know why I sometimes feel like a looser, and the loneliness becomes unbearable at times.  Finally, there’s the anger and bitterness. I’m sure you’ve picked it up in me thus far. The frustration of not being able to get free of the system’s grip really gets to pissing me off. I’ve come to understand it more, but only recently.  It comes to the point that you realize you are going to get pissed about all this so don’t fight it too much and don’t try to hide it. In any case, the road can be an unhappy one and you should know that. But I hope you travel it anyway so good luck.  I hope I haven’t scared you off because maybe we’ll all get to being whackos someday and as soon as we all get whacko, we won’t be whacko anymore.

Who are we?

I’ll speak mostly about myself in this part as an example but allow me to say that many of the people who will and do get involved in this sort of thing are just about whacko before they even start, just like I was. If you are happy and well adjusted within the system, then why would you leave? No, instead you are likely very mal-adjusted within the system and that makes you…sick.  I’m telling you straight if you do not get honest about this you will find yourself continually taking the wrong turns, take my word for it. I finally realized this about 11 years ago, that is, I realized I had become quite mentally and emotionally affected by this quest. And even before that, about 3 years earlier, I realized that something had happened to me in regard to my impulse to succeed within this economy. I found I’d lost all connection with that impulse, it was sort of weird to come to this but at that time I didn’t think it was affecting my mental state. Of course later on and certainly by now I am fully aware of the condition this has put me in. Oh by the way, it doesn’t really get much better…you more or less adapt.

What happened to us?

I talked about this in chapter 2 of this part of the book “Poverty Consciousness—A four Letter Word”.  But I wish to go deeper into it here. As I said earlier, most of us are whacko before we even begin a quest like this, the quest to leave the system that is. In the chapter I mentioned above I said, “by the time they were about 12 years old they began to see that life in the modern world was sort of out of place, something was wrong and they couldn’t buy into it.”

In the above quote I was referring to the poor who are supposedly afflicted with poverty consciousness but it applies with this topic as well, especially given that most of you wishing to leave the system will have experienced poverty at some time in your life.  If you haven’t most likely you will if you really try to leave the system and don’t have lots of dough to catch the bus. What happens to us within that quote above is somewhere from around 10 to 14 years old we begin to see that what mom and dad do is work. We see all those damn grownups out there—working. And the teachers at school seem to be slipping you the notion that good grades are pretty important if you are going to make it “out there”. Everything happening in the world seems to be revolving around economy and you get the feeling its something pretty serious; that bugs you. Though you may not really understand what you are feeling and seeing about these scenarios, something about them seems wrong.

It is at this moment that a jolt comes to your system, you get sort of scared and timid about what’s going to happen to you. You don’t really seem to jive with what you are seeing but everyone seems to be on the train so what-a-ya-gonna-do? What you do is recoil from these thoughts and bury them.  That’s when you start to get whacko as the guilt and shame begins milling you into a derelict.

From there you can most likely become a struggling student. You may be a trouble maker, but not as likely as you will be sort of a loner. Whatever will be happening to you, most likely you won’t blend to well. And get this, that’s even if you are popular and a good student. Nevertheless you will at least try and keep up, but as you are making that attempt way deep inside that original fear of “what’s gong to happen to you” remains. The reason it remains is because you never have resolved those thoughts of how you can’t jive with the system and so those thoughts also remain deep within you.

I’m sure there are all sorts of case scenarios of how all this turns out. If you are from a “have” family you stand a fair chance of dousing this awakening and perhaps you may carry on to do the same as your parents. If you come from “have not’s ” you’ll have a slim chance of overcoming yourself and most likely you’ll either wind up a drunk, a bum, a neurotic or maybe even psychotic, whatever…you’ll be something fucked up as far as the system goes. OR, you’ll decide to leave the system and find out who you really are.

Again, this is a different group of people I am talking about here as oppose to the poor in general that were talked about in the afore mentioned chapter. Though the poor in general are subject to this line of thinking very few of them will recognize it.  Those that do usually don’t see it until they are long past their youth.  It takes some hard knocks to eventually return to those thoughts you had when you were 12 and pay heed to them.

In conclusion I think I can safely say that if you are someone attempting to leave or have left the system then it is likely you’ll fit somewhere in the preceding paragraphs. In my case it will get better when I am able to get my subsistence farm at least in a little bit of a swing. But the truth is it could be many years, as of last week I’ve been at this for 17 years. It could happen that I may not get to have this farm before I am gone. If that is so, I’ll have lots of accepting to do. But you see there is no way I’ll ever turn away and go back. Even with the pain it has all been worth it. As I look towards my future I can not see myself becoming a cordial member of the free enterprise system ever again, even to death.

Hopefully many of you out there will find a softer easier path than mine has been. I am sure there are many of you who will, I hope so, we need some success on this. There will be many of you who will suffer like I have; many of you are suffering right now I am sure. But hopefully, like me, you will find that it is no loss in your life and that as a 21stcentury human being you will still feel fortunate to have known what to do, or at least try to do and why.

Advertisements

About dannyheim

I am a nut. But a good nut. Please note that all my blogs are continually in the process of being edited. You most likely would see changes if you visit back again more than once. Oh, I'm an artist by trade these days, so ahh anyway, um, ah well, my website is on here somewhere, um ah, wella anyway it's ah, http://dannyheim.com./. It's not a buying type site, don't worry, I don't market from there.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Mr. Right’s Emotional Disorder

  1. GreenHearted says:

    Hello, good nut! You are not alone. In feeling this way, I mean. We don’t get invited to many dinner parties, do we? But I do hope you have at least one friend in your life. I have 3 or 4 “fellow nuts” in mine — I couldn’t do this without them — and a part-time job on the fringes of the system. (So I haven’t been as brave about it as you have been.)

    There are so many farms now taking interns. They pay little or nothing but you get room and board, and you gain skills in food growing that you can use once you’re got your little farm. Have you studied permaculture? It’s the only thing that keeps me buoyant these days. Maybe figure out a work-trade so that you can get a discount on tuition. Then you can get yourself into the flow of abundance that permaculture creates, even on a small sub/urban lot — i.e., rent a house with a yard and get growing versus waiting to have enough for a subsistence farm. Create an abundance yard instead! (See the book Paradise Lot, and videos at geofflawton.com.)

    If you were to view payment for your artwork (which is powerful; I like it) as, say, a “thank you” or a sign of appreciation rather than as evil money, would that help? Money as tool or symbol? Get some and use it for good purposes? I guess I’m saying that by not promoting your artwork for sale, you’re denying people the pleasure and privilege of putting one of your paintings on their wall. Call it free sharing, with exorbitant shipping and handling!

    Anyway, just wanted to write and say that though we’re few and far between, we’re not alone … you’re not alone. And yeah, waitin’ for the day when the balance tips and those who think we’re the whackos suddenly find themselves very lonely.

    p.s. This wasn’t an April Fool’s post, was it? I’m thinkin’ not, cuz this kind of angst is hard to imagine if you’re not actually feelin’ it.

    • dannyheim says:

      Yeah good stuff Greenhearted. There are realities, and I do deal with them and more so as I get older. Let me put it this way, I gots no problem selling a painting here and there, NO problem.:) And I don’t mind putting in a window or something if I’m up to it. Like I said in that piece, “I need some fucking money?” But then I do turn around and get skittish about getting “too much” money, its’ weird, it’s deep rooted. But we live with it don’t we. And yes, things are better for me than when I wrote that piece, though I hold very dear to it. Again, good stuff, see you soon.

  2. Pingback: Near Term Human Extinction (NTHE)—the Processes | Evolve Now

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s