February 10, 1964
My Dearest Lita,
You know that I am always rustling about, I fidget and appear unsettled much of the time, don’t I? Well, I would ask you to fear not, and behold your child has come to life, do you see it my sweet giant of a woman? In my head I toil, but it is only in my head, and though it surfaces through mannerisms, silly statements and blank stares, it is all contained my dear, and you needn’t worry. M.
February 13, 1964
My Dear Sweet Lita,
I know you’ve seen me in the living room, flipping channels on the television, drinking half glasses of water, stepping outside to smoke; burning cigarettes to a bight red cherry an inch long. But please do not become over wrought by these neuroses. Nary a one has dominated my constitution, I stay strong in my ability to hide, and I am as a walking tiger, ready to pounce on any moving emotion, especially those that show my ignorance, my lasting borough of faded knowledge. I dumbfound my dumbfoundedness, and only the steady stride of the tiger is shown, please set yourself at ease my dear. M.
March 3, 1964
My Dearest Lita,
I can assume you know of me, you know that I adore you, and fear you as well. I will not speak of this again. I’ve brooded over this the past two weeks, and now I will open this up, but only a little, you see. You could say I am protecting you from my distress. For instance, I tried to slow my cigarette puffing down, to make the cigarette last longer. I admit I was thinking of you in this effort. I saw your coolness, your slow chewing and little sips of wine. I saw your gaze that went no further than the space in front of you, content to stay at home and be quiet. You needn’t fear my darling; I am that way too. To prove it to you, I will say no more of this, I can keep it within, and never let it be seen, because it isn’t there. Never be concerned my love. M.
March 19, 1964
Do you know what I did today sweet Lita? I sat alone in the park for an hour, with the birds! I’ve seen old men do this, quiet and content, tossing seed like gamblers tossing poker chips, never caring if they come back or not. Although my stomach remained tight throughout the ordeal, I wasn’t thinking very much, and at one point I hardly moved for nearly eight minutes. I had no seed, so instead I decided to study what the birds would do if someone just sat there, tossing nothing but their presence. Wasn’t that brilliant my love, do you see how I’ve grown? That is why I ask you to not worry, I am more like the tiger every day. My story here must have made you happy, surely my love…eight minutes, and you’ve never seen that before have you? Now you can rest, I am so much better; can you tell dear Lita? M.
March 22, 1964
Oh Dearest Lita, my Queen,
Last night I remembered how we used to watch your favorite show, Man from Uncle. I recalled how it made you happy. It’s the only program you watch, isn’t it, or am I wrong? You otherwise never care much for television, do you? If you are not in your garden, painting your pictures, or cast away in deep meditation, no my tender love, if you are not in these places, then I can find you reading on the porch, or in your bed. You move lightly about, yet intent on your subject, never losing your thoughts, remembering to do all that you set out to do. Even when you read, you select all that there is to know about your verse, and store it for future reference, not caring if you will need it or not. These are just pastimes to enhance the play already going on in your soul, isn’t that true my darling? And so now you can see, that anyone who can observe these things, then surely they are a part of the observer as well. So lie down my darling, meditate, as you do, on these things. Can you see me reading? Can you see me in the garden? You see, you really can rest dear flower, your worries are over. M.
March 23, 1964
Why do I love you so much? It upsets me. I mean that as a good thing my dear. Please do not take that wrong. Actually I am not upset, especially since I have found the tiger in me, you know, my self-esteem has risen so much. I think the therapy with Doctor Sorensen is working for me. Guess what happened. As I was leaving his office the other day, another patient stopped me, some guy name Gamma Ray (he’s delusional and he’s very big), he always comes in after me, he’s down the hall in the locked ward. Anyway, he said to me, “ya sezzen bin ova fa t’n minna, Belnoir.” Do you know what I said; the fact I said anything at all amazed me. And it will amaze you too darling; you will see how you have nothing to fear, you know, “the greatest fear is fear itself”. You say that, don’t you dear Lita? I say it to, now. But here’s what I said; “I apologize Gamma for your inconvenience (very calm with no quiver at all). However, I prefer you address me by my first name—Marcus.” Can you believe that dear Lita? I was so strong, and sort of stealth like to. I got back to my room and actually let out a roar. I know that may seem silly, and it was. But your tiger came forward, I the tiger, you the tigress. I just thought that up the other day, I love it, don’t you? Nevertheless my love, I am the tiger, you are-the-tigress. We are strong. Get it, “we”? M.
April 10, 1964
My Lovely Lita,
I’m so glad they let me bring my typewriter here. It’s an old typewriter my mother gave me, she said, “Marcus, use this instrument for good, don’t fall to folly.” I really never knew what she meant, but no matter, I love this typewriter so much I’ve had it repaired a dozen times. I too have been repaired a dozen times. But every time I come back stronger and I rooaarrr towards greater self-esteem! I remember how you always did your exercise in the morning and you’d end it with that big “whaaa” sound you’d make. I’m just like you, dear Lita? I too make big sounds now. Roaaarrr. M.
April 14, 1964
Today Doctor Sorensen ask me what was all the typing I did. I told him I’ve been writing about a tiger and his tigress. I told him about you, that you were the tigress. After I finished telling him all about it, I sort of roared a little, you know, to show him my strength. He didn’t say much about it. He said at the end of the session that he was going increase my medication to 800 milligrams. It shook me up a little, for a couple days my cigarette cherries were an inch long again. But I am choosing not to thinking about it. Gamma has been transferred because he beat up an orderly. Now can you see, that is, how strong I was to stand up to him? Oh I’m sorry, I may be worrying you a little my darling. I just meant I’ve been a little high strung lately, everybody gets high strung don’t they? Disregard it fair lady and don’t’ let me bore you with these little things, prrrr. Next time I won’t give such puny roar around Dr. Sorensen, he’ll see what I mean then. Rooaarrr. M.
April 16, 1964
Dear Lita, the Tigress,
Tigress Lita, how about that my sweet? I am Marcus the Tiger. I thought I might call you Lita the Tigress, but we are individuals first and foremost, and it also would sound verbose, wouldn’t you agree my love? Dr. Sorensen increased my medication to 950 milligrams. I’m not happy about that, but it’s nothing for you to be concerned with my darling. My tiger power will overcome the thorazine. I can assure you of this sweet Tigress Lita, the strong one, your fear is overtaken by your tigress power, isn’t that true my love? M.
May 16, 1964
Dear Sweet, Sweet Lita,
They locked me in my room and took away my typewriter. I couldn’t write you. I roared and roared; I scratched at the wall and leaped from my bed. I leaped everywhere in my room. Or I would look in stealth out the window, seeing my prey below. I’m now on 2000 milligrams, but my tiger power grows stronger in spite of it. Rooaarrr, Rooaarrr. Can you hear my roar, Tigress Lita? Do not worry, the tiger was smarter than Dr. Sorensen was. In my last session I pretended I was tired of being the tiger. I’m not sure he really believed it, but at the same time, I think he sees my power, though he never admits it. Anyway, he took me off lock up after that. Purr sweet giant tiger woman, your scratch is forthcoming. Do you like that dear? See how we’ve gone beyond it all now, we are the royal tigers, roaring our victories. Rooaarrr! M.
May 17, 1964
Dear Tigress Lita,
I am being transferred to another ward. Rooaaarrr. The tiger has been unleashed. I’ve had to have an orderly escort me to see Dr. Sorensen, yesterday as the orderly was walking me my tiger power came forth. Before I knew it I’d scratched him…it marked his chin. Rooaaarrr, Rooaarrr. It’s a locked ward, but that does not bother me, a tiger has his own inner life to roam. I’ll be transferred as soon as there is an opening because it’s full right now. They were supposed to take my typewriter and somehow they didn’t do it. I am writing you in my bathroom, and typing very soft, like the tiger’s walk. M.
May 18, 1964
Tigress Lita, the gentle one,
They still haven’t found my typewriter, but I’m going to be transferred tomorrow. The orderly is not here and so I only have a minute. Always remember your fears are unwarranted, that we are strong and our power to rule is also our supreme right to indignation. These tiger paws will sing of your beauty…uh oh, I hear him coming. I’ve been planning this all day Tigress Lita. Your king will leap from this chair and devour his prey, you’ll see. Don’t worry my queen, these letters will come again, and your rest will resume, don not be afraid…here he comes. Roar with me darling, Roaarr, Roooaaaarrr, Roooaaaaarrrr. M.
May 18, 1964
Dear Miss Lita Theangela,
I regret to inform you that Marcus Belnoir has been placed in intensive care at the Goodland Medical Center. I’m afraid Marcus suffered a terrible psychotic break, and attempted to scratch and bite his attending orderly. He was subdued but not before several orderlies forcefully retrained him, rupturing his spine. His typewriter has been put in storage here at the hospital. I’m afraid it will be sometime before he returns to his ward, we were hoping you could retrieve the typewriter, perhaps you should keep it with you.
Dr. Robert Sorensen, M.D.
Felineian Mental Hospital